Daily Log

I'm in love with a man I have met once. Seen for a few hours climbing a mountain and otherwise nothing. He said just three words to me and that was it. I may as well have fallen to pieces right there. And this last month has been ridiculous.
I mean that. I have been trying to be something I am not. I have been playing a game that says that any of this is ok. I have a job to do. I used to have a job to do. Now it is all fucked up. Over one chance meeting. Now nothing seems clear. I am left to let the universe call me out, and then and only then do I come. Yesterday was one of those days, I was called to go out.
I woke up, still without enough sleep. I got dressed and tied up a world full of loose ends. Hoping for some reason that control in business would mean control in other areas. I have been forced to realise that my control is for naught. Any semblance of free-will in me must have dissolved years ago, and I am left a sad tweenaged-thing that goes from being 25 to one-hundred-thousand and six.
As if any of this would be ok. I am living the life of a boring spinster-man. And right now, when I finally feel like myself again, I know it cannot last because there is simply no energy to sustain this. Again, the universe is deciding for me: whiplash, fatigue; what ever this virus is this year it is a doozy. It is knocking everybody over for months, and leaves them with weird lingering symptoms.
I have this feeling that something terrible is going to happen. And I am not taking about the pretend monitory world where the rich fatties are manipulating the many to take more and more money away from the people. A modern day robin hood is coming to deal with that. I have this lingering doubt that God knows something is coming and as usual I just have to take it as it comes.
Last night was a great night. It felt like a celebration had been planned for me by the universe; while friends were occupied elsewhere, another friend sent a stranger to have dinner and a toast to the last few months. It felt like a celebration. Some really great business steps were taken yesterday; and a validation came to stick it right up the big banks. The government is going to take me back as a pure consultant too. It is about time they realised where all of their locations came from.
Some work has just created more work. Finishing one job has shown me twenty more. But it is forcing me to be creative. Luckily I have these business and IT boys watching my back. I have a feeling my next meeting date with Elliot is now firm. The birthday invite came yesterday, after I left my accountant, I found it in the mail. I confirmed a time too. I hope my core is stable again by then.