Now that I really think about it, to see yesterday on paper (on screen really, paper would be even worse; my hand would be sore) is going to show me just how crazy I am.
I have always believed that with a lot of faith, you can see your way through anything.
I saw my sister just after lunch. I had tried a fresh juice, with kale in it; an unpleasant experience. I had a bitter taste in my mouth to start our conversation. The problem is I still am not sure if I am awake or asleep.
All she would say is that I am on the right track. I am getting the wizard of oz feeling again; find it out for yourself. Her exact words are still sitting on the tip of my brain.
"When you were a little boy, at the far end, maybe three-years-old, something happened. I wasn't around to stop it. You were badly hurt, to the point of dying. I can't and won't let that happen again. So yes. I watch you when the universe feels off. I stay around to make sure it doesn't happen again.
"You're thinking that I am crazier than you. But the point of where you are now is to choose: look beyond the tendency to judge and accept what comes, or, run; leave behind all of it, find a doctor that will zap the living fuck out of your brain. I am sorry I can't make it easier. Catastrophe does a job well. Righting it would not be possible, for anybody less than you."
She left me alone, sitting on a plaid blanket in her back yard. Two days in a row I have sat on the grass and been told something ludicrous.
One wants me to go into a coma to solve it, one thinks I can choose my way out.
When you are going through hell, keep going (Winston Churchill).
The problem is that choices are strange. Often they are a simple state of mind. Like coming out. For a lot of gays it is a choice to come out. Gayness can be hidden, because it is not a condition. It is a state of being. One that is external to behaviour or appearance. The choice to hide or not is then just a case of weighing physical need gratification over ability to pretend. But anyone presented with the choice knows that I tears you; right down to your very soul. And even through your soul, if you leave it too long.
What you find at the end of the choice is unknown: a bully with a bat; a lover; a prison cell; a death sentence; a life. And even if the consequences are known, and are evil; we still choose to come out.
I don't know if I can choose to be what I see as crazy. But again, gayness was seen as crazy once. It still is. I cannot imagine what life must be in a family where gayness is equated with suicide or murder. Or maybe this is what that would feel like. Right now I might call my insurance just to speak with somebody; their ad says a human always answers.
God holds my hand. So why would any loving anything make anybody think their own death could be more righteous than love. God does not respond to rhetoric. God will hold my hand through the whole thing; big ol' gay me. But won't tell the answer to a question when the answer is already known.
I can deal with this. I just have to choose to be nuts. How do I be white and continue being purple?
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